The price to pay
by Ryuosen
Summary: Regret came with many facy under many circumstances but somehow it still worked out in the end...


The price to pay  
- a Mass Effect story -

* * *

written by ryuosen for naturalparagorn for the masseffect xmasexchange at masseffect on lj  
Genre: sci-fi, angst, action, romance  
Warnings: character death, violence, language,

prompt:  
(c) "Silent Night" - fanfic or artwork of (female) Shepard going through a much more interesting dream sequence.

This would be for my Shepard (will reply with a picture to this post), an Earthborn/War Hero. Although she's Earthborn, I think she would dream much more about megatropolis skyscrapers and the Citadel than she would of the sepia park, and she would focus much more on the people she lost (Ashley, Mordin, Legion, Thane) or the people she's afraid of losing (Garrus, Liara, Tali, Kaidan) than she would of a generic child. I'm looking for something introspective, creative, and it can even be a bit Inception-y. Doesn't have to be entirely angst or entirely happy.

author's note  
This is the first story I have ever tried to write about another person's Shepard. It was trickier than I first thought. Hopefully it still pleases...__

* * *

_Jillian had been born on earth, but her focus had always been on the stars. _

_When she was young and her parents pointed out the different constellations, when she was older and sought shelter from the rain by hiding between buildings only to gaze into the vast sky, when she was older still and nursed a broken nose from training._

And now as a decorated officer, the one to lead the galaxy against the Reapers?

Now she watched the stars from her bed as the Normandy sped past them in the hours sleep eluded Jillian and her dreams haunted her into the waking hours.

She had known she would die, she had known long before she had been forced to make _the_ decision that would end the war.

Not at the beginning, when Anderson had bade her farewell nor when she had watched the Cerberus cyborg nearly kill Kaidan. She had still hope then, that despite all setbacks they would unite the galaxy and destroy the reapers.

Yet with every friend lost, every incoming report about casualties her smile dimmed until it faded. Her dreams once peaceful lost in the snares of her own guilt.

_She was running, running for her life... or running from her life, she couldn't tell. Her was breathing labored and her lungs ached, yet she had to keep going._

_The Citadel, normally full of light and noise, silent as a grave._

_Then there was the fog, a sea of white seeping, crawling over the ground. She didn't want to look but knew when she turned her head, not if but _when_ because she always did it, what she would see..._

_Ashley..._

_She was nothing more than a shadow of her former self. Her once beautiful face bruised, blood trailing down her cheeks before dripping onto the ground. Her armor riddled with bullet holes, blood seeping from them in spurts, the right arm missing completely from the elbow down. _

_But the worst was her face, the expression of pain, of agony and the blame Jillian could read in her eyes, her very soul - _Why? Why did you save him? Why not me?_  
_

_The pain, the guilt she felt hit her anew with every moment she stood across from her dead friend, all words, all explanations dying in her throat before she could even speak them. _

Kaidan was guarding the bomb, its detonation had priority. I didn't choose him over you. Saren needed to be stopped and that meant blowing up the facility... please understand... it needed to be done.

Had it been possible I would have saved you both.

Please, please understand...! I beg of you...

_Yet Ashley's face remained the same. The accusation plain to see. Jillian felt bile rise in her throat and she nearly doubled over before running away. Ashley's gaze drilling into her back. She didn't need hearing to know what Ashley was screaming. _

Coward!

_Now the stars didn't seem peaceful anymore, the normally soothing tranquil of the Citadel gone. Her head rose, Jillian needed to see the vast open sky, the stars needing to regain control. _

_Only to see a body crashing onto the ground before her feet. Reflexively she closed her, dread already rising in her mind. Droplets of something warm hitting her face._

Please no... she didn't want to see.

_Forcing her eyes open she gazed down on Mordin's broken corpse. She stumbled back, not being able to meet his stare. His body burned beyond recognition but for his black eyes, left wide open, staring at her accusingly._

_No!_

'You should have stopped me', they said. 'You would have had the power to sway my decision. Weren't you the one who made me change my mind in the first place?!'

_No, you agreed. You tipped Wrex off about Eve and helped us getting her out. None of __that was my doing. I didn't even know where you had gone. _

_The eyes didn't agree and then he stood across from her, burned lips parting in a grotesque grimace._

But you brought it up when we met, didn't you? It would be most illogical of you to not take responsibility for your actions Shepard.

_Then Ashley stood there as well, nodding her agreement. _

"Face it skipper, you could have saved us and didn't. It's on your head now. But then, the mission always had priority, right?"

_She turned away, couldn't face her friends, couldn't let them see how deep the words cut her. Not that she denied the words. Mordin's help had been imperative in attaining Wrex's cooperation. Without his sacrifice they wouldn't have gained the Turians' alliance or the Krogans. _

_Still she wished Mordin didn't have to die for it to happen._

And in her ears she heard his song... saw him dancing in his lab. That Mordin she didn't mind remembering. Not this...

_Then she was running again, attempting to purge the words from her memory. Buildings became a blur until she reached the council's tower. Her legs ached like she had just run a marathon and maybe she had, Jillian couldn't really remember. _

_'Shepard, it has been some time. Did you like my prayer?'_

_Jillian froze at the voice. Goosebumps breaking out all over her skin. Turning around she came face to face with Thane. He wore the same calm expression as he had at the time of his death and she hated it. The Drell had been a dear friend and truthfully she had always envied his seemingly easy acceptance of death. _

_The memory of her own still made her flinch. She had fought until the last moment. When there had been no more oxygen she had panicked. Had tried everything to prevent her death and failed. Suffocation was a cruel way to die and she wouldn't wish it onto her worst enemy. _

_Well maybe Kai-Leng... the man was responsible for Thane's death.. _

But I would have died anyway. Wasn't my death an honorable way to depart the world?

_Yes it had been, but... but despite Thane's inevitable fate did she wish it hadn't come so suddenly. Hadn't his doctors told him long months before she should have already been dead.. Thane had been at peace even then.. despite the medical attention, despite everything._

But you shouldn't died because of Cerberus, because of that man..

_'Perhaps not, yet I saved a life, an assassin saved a life.' he answered, seemingly reading her mind, 'and it helped you, didn't it Jillian?'_

_She started, barely anyone of the crew called her anything other than Shepard, never had. After some time she had gotten used to it, but also cherished the moments someone called her by her given name. _

"Yeah, it did," she answered.

_'Then it was worth it.'_

_His hand touched her face with a gentleness, that startled her. How long had it been since she had been touched with so much care. As if her life was something to be cherished. _

_'We will always cherish you, even when it seem as if we don't.' _

_Now Ashley was smiling at her, Mordin's lips curved into a pleasant expression and Thane's still one of peace and acceptance. _

_Then there were all of them – Kaidan, lips pulled into a crooked smile, Liara, smiling as shyly at her as she had on their first meeting, Tali, looking as she had just rambled again, Garrus, throwing and catching a tin grinning, Joker with his arms around EDI. Next to her Samantha and Steve, both smiling at her and behind them was everyone else._

Hacket and Anderson in their uniforms, Kelly Chambers, Miranda with her sister, Jack and her students, Jacob with his child and wife, Samarra with her last daughter.

_All of them waving and smiling. _

'You did it, Shepard... you've won...' they said and finally Jillian smiled.

It had been a good way to die.

**fin**


End file.
